2011.02.22: Another year has passed in the blink of an eye, and I realize it’s been a long time since I left any warm words here. In 2011, I hope to write more personal things here. Fair warning: from now on, if you don’t like it, don’t come in! As mentioned in the subtitle, let this blog return to its essence, its original intent.
Looking back at last year, I feel more and more that this personal blog isn’t personal enough. So many truly personal things never got written here; instead I posted a few articles and videos that can’t withstand the test of time. I was afraid of everything—afraid that if I wrote something too simple, someone would look down on it; afraid that if I wrote something based on my own interpretation, someone with a different cultural background would take issue with it; afraid that if I wrote something slightly technical, people wouldn’t understand it. In the end, I became both afraid to write and disdainful of writing.
These past couple of days, after going to Golden Beach to reflect on the old and learn the new, I realized—what was I even afraid of? It was really just a fixed, firmware-like pattern: everything I said and did was oriented toward pleasing others. In life I have very little self-confidence. Why don’t I have self-confidence? If a person could see their own qualities clearly enough, would they still lack confidence? I have a great deal of self-denial, and it’s like dark clouds blanketing the sky—it obscures so many wonderful qualities. When self-denial becomes more and more of a habit, you forget the good things that once were. If you’ve forgotten them yourself, others can see them even less.
Wait—just a moment ago, I was still agonizing over every single word, terrified of typos, terrified of awkward sentences, terrified of being laughed at. In that one-third of a second of sudden inspiration, I became aware of it, and I’m now telling myself: “To hell with all this second-guessing, to hell with the onlookers. As long as I understand it, that’s enough. I don’t write this blog for anyone!”
These are my words, this is my blog. This is not a tech blog. It doesn’t need the so-called rigor and objectivity that science and engineering demands. I don’t need to make things convenient for anyone, I don’t need to please anyone. I’m only responsible to myself, and onlookers should be responsible for themselves too.
Okay, now let’s take another look: why did I develop this pattern of pleasing others when blogging? To explain it with the brain—part of the reason comes from work habits, because most of my mental energy goes into computer-related things. Work goes without saying—developing games and websites (interest-driven)—and even entertainment is in front of a computer: playing games, reading news. For me, development is also entertainment—I’ve loved planning since childhood, loved playing strategy and management games, and the joy I get from project development is as great as playing those games; and playing games and reading news are also deeply connected to work. So I no longer have any strict distinction between work and play. This makes me more and more of a homebody, and the events my brain processes become very limited. It’s easy to seek out and apply a unified, optimized, universal set of principles distilled from your areas of expertise to everything around you. That sounds convoluted—really it just means work and life are tightly intertwined, so your thinking becomes limited, and you often neglect your inner needs. When you need to assert yourself through words (writing a personal blog), you easily get led into a ditch by your brain’s suggestions (I’m still writing a tech blog, I need to be concise, well-reasoned, well-organized, easy to read, and so on).
I’ve seen some blogs by my Haiwen classmates, and I admire the personal touch in their writing. Even when they repost articles, it represents the blogger’s own reflections on life, imprinted with their growth along the way.
The brain computes fast, and typing always lags behind. Many thoughts flash by—it seems like I’ve opened them up, but I didn’t write them down. Opening them is enough; I can’t be bothered to write the rest. Now to summarize:
This year, this personal blog will return to my own control, written for no one else. I give myself permission to cry when I want to cry and laugh when I want to laugh in this blog. Permission to write as long as I want. Permission to skip making images if I can’t be bothered.
Warning: This is Mousebomb’s personal blog—computer games, movies, music, myself. Play but don’t lose your drive; the mystery of mysteries; enter without invitation at your own peril. Onlookers, take care of yourselves. I am not responsible for any reactions or consequences resulting from reading this blog.